Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

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NEWS FLASH!

Guess Who Came to Dinner?

An embellished "true" story by Jamie Thompson

Introduction

Back in the spring of 97’ my wife and I were new to the Harleysville, PA area in general and our church in particular. It’s a big church and so it’s easy to be among hundreds of people and still feel isolated. With that in mind our leadership set up a program called “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner.” People who signed up for it were told when they were having dinner, but not where until the last minute, and not with whom until they arrived there. The goal was to get people together in a fun situation with the hope that new friendships would develop, strengthening the church body. We didn’t know very many people so we decided to give it a try.

After the event someone from our church office called me and asked if I would write a little story about our experience. I said I would and set about the task. After a few minutes of writing, though, I started reading my work and asking myself who in the world would read this? Furthermore, how does one write about having dinner and make it interesting? So, I decided to write two pieces. One told the real story - and was a real snoozer. When writing the other one, though, I decided it would be ok to, uh… exaggerate the details… just a bit. After reading both, my contact at the church agreed that the embellished one was more likely to get people interested in the program.

A few things you should bear in mind. At the time there was a lot of talk in the media about “right wing militia groups” and the standoffs that took place at Ruby Ridge and Waco , TX . The bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma City added a new dimension to the debate and people were talking about the proper role of law enforcement while small towns across America were hiring professional snipers and training SWAT teams.

Meanwhile, over in Eurasia , Russian contractors had recently finished building a new American Embassy. The structure was found to have so many listening devices built into it that American diplomats never moved in. It all seemed rather surreal to me so I decided to run it through my imagination and see what came out - here’s what came out….

NEWS FLASH! Guess Who Came To Dinner

On the evening of April 20, 1997 , a white Buick LeSabre was seen leaving the vicinity of Harleysville , PA. Aboard the suspicious car were Jamie and Judy Thompson and a freshly made salad. Meanwhile local authorities were put on full alert as the car entered a rural area of Montgomery County with Jamie driving and Judy reading a map while the salad was keeping a low profile in the back seat. State Police helicopters were sent in to monitor their progress when it became clear that they didn't know where they were going or with whom they were meeting…

SWAT team marksmen hiding in trees reported Jamie and Judy arrived safely, but the salad seemed reluctant to leave the car. They were greeted at the door by two couples -- Don and Cynthia, Cliff and Naomi -- and an infant. Through the cross hairs of their precision scopes, the men in camouflage and black grease paint watched what appeared to be a rendezvous of people who didn't know each other. Police immediately ran a background check on the infant.

Using high tech monitoring equipment, law enforcement officials listened intently as the group became acquainted in the livingroom of Don and Cynthia's beautiful home. Particular attention was paid to the infant who seemed capable of destroying the premises either by direct demolition or liquidation by saliva.

When the dinner was served it was clear that the tension between the visitors had diminished. Agents cut their satellite uplink to the FBI as the merrymakers prayed together and then partook of a lovely meal: London broil steak off the grill; steamed green beans; griddle fried potatoes; homemade bread; homemade apple pie; and a despondent salad, all hope tossed, dressed for certain mastication.

At that point the officers knew they had to move in or it would be too late. Using the element of surprise they crashed through windows, descended the chimney, burst through air vents, and chopped down the front door with an ax!

Unnamed witnesses said that, after a brief scuffle, sounds of laughing, chewing, glasses clinking, and occasional gunfire could be heard emanating from the house. Suddenly a tall, goofy-lookin’ guy with a mustache and little round glasses crashed through the livingroom window onto the front lawn with a spray of glass shards and splintering wood. “He jumped up, dusted himself off, and ran back inside” through what was left of the front door. Moments later a large bleached blonde woman dressed in a Nazi SS uniform and sporting a little black Hitler mustache pointed a Lugar out of the shattered hole in the window, looked around, barked something in German, and then disappeared back into the house.

When it was all over, Jamie and Judy were escorted home by a squad of police motorcycles and fined for premeditated salad-side. Cliff, Naomi, and the infant, later identified as the legendary cereal killer, "Steam Roller Hannah," were taken to the station where Hannah was detained for questioning about the infamous "Cheerios Heist." They were later released after the baby refused to talk. Don and Cynthia were placed in the Guess Who's Coming To Dinner Host Protection Program (or GWCTDHPP) while Russian contractors were brought in to rebuild their house.

The editor of this periodical recommends that anyone hoping to avoid such high adventures should "just say no" to the Guess Who's Coming To Dinner program at Branch Community Church .

The End

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